here comes chemo

Sunrise is 30 min away and the sky is clear of any cloud, mist, fog or streaks. Wish I felt the same as this sunrise appears, however clouds of mine include fog of the future and streaks of occasional discomfort and pain. But hey, meds are working fairly well, and my body is working fairly well, so is that a fair deal?
Either way the sky is open to warmer weather as am I, and the good stuff is still coming our way. Good stuff = great friends and family.
Three, count 'em, three benefits are planned, first a major Iowa (in Cedar Rapids) benefit thanks to our loving family and friends kind enough to remember us from the dozen years of midwest living spent in Webster City. WCCT, you're the best as are Patty, Mary, Mike, Sue and Ed and the others creating the benefit. Peg and I thank you and love you, long distance.
At the Canyon, benefit number two is two weeks away, music, food, drink and a good deal of laughter are all on the menu. Can't begin to thank = yes i can, Annie, Bob, Laura, Dan-oh, Terry, Kay, Coolie Son, Tom, Shelly, the Exit 64 band boys, and all who are donating to the silent auction, and greatest thanks to whomever designed and built the Grand Canyon. An exquiste place to find friends and affection.
Benefit number three is to take place March 13, a spag dinner at Page Middle School, a benefit prompted by all those who care for us here = Robin, Roxie, Michelle (JK), Lake View, I think some of my former students, and others we don't even know about yet. Good things come in three's, and I feel lucky despite the lousy disease inside, because right inside beside it is love and sharing and kindest consideration for Peggy and me. I know Paula, Dana, and Teona help Peggy through her melt downs and Carol gets her where she needs to be even when she forgets. Thanks and hugs to each of you from each of us.
Back to daylight, nearly sun up and today I plan to work on my boat, pay bills, clean house chop woods,and...well, ok, at least work on the boat while my energy lasts, priorities do count. Later, we leave for Flagstaff and chemo Thursday, which if my blood counts are too low I also get my first blood transfusion. New blood? Sounds strange but they say I'll feel like a new man, transformed, maybe into a young Arnold, yeah sure all pumped up and ready for Spring ,three benefits and lots of company. tonight we dine at Kelso's in Flag with Annie and Connor - a great way to end the day.
That's our update and now the sun is on the edge of our desert and the day looks and feels promising. Promise yourself to make the most of it; I surely intend to.
Love and laughter, marcus

eclispe this

Dark morning, waiting for the sunrise. Across to the east runs a variabe band of grey lithe cloulds which here and there crop down and reseal the dark earth. Behind the house,out of my sight, the full moon is glowing like a western movie script/scene, its scattered white shadows of moonlight add a weak glow on the landscape to the west. Cat's asleep somewhere and I am alone. Two weeks ago the doc's pain dosage changed and resulted in a personality change in me. Can you spell "zombie". Too strog and twice a day the meds turned me into a junkie- mumbling, sleep prone, i spent Monday unconscious except for about an hour of semi alert time. No thank you doctor. I can never be druggie, living in fog and numb displacement. So I flondered for four days, it took away the pain , but it took away me too. We stopped the meds and within 12 hrs I was back to being whoever and whatever it is I am. "More Better." the pain is less overall, new chemo cocktail is maybe working, that's good and "more better". I still feel a tension or anxiety overall that is hard to shake off; I used to be so good at relaxing and now during relax time I don't. Looking outside again, I see the sky is opening pale blue, faint odd shaped windows where soon I anticpate the sun's beams. Within an hour or so Peggy will be up, sister Jules and brother Paul will join us for coffee and the sun will warm us all. They arrived late last nigth and I know it's going to be a "more better" day. They take me to chemo friday in Flagstaff and then home again.

Other news: Wes took off to the frozen land of 10000 lakes. We had fun for few, went on the boat Tues am and fed anchovees to stripers all over the place. We worked together on a few projects= washing machine repair, epoxy the whaler, gonna get it done! Just put ourselves nearby and talked about love, I watched our brilliant son play, actually play,with calculus, i mean he writes his own formulas and unique notations. For fun! It's beyond me, must have that knowledge from Peg the Precious -Peggy says not. Thanks for coming Wes, keep up on your dell my man, love and out.
Meanwhile Mandy Mae is perusing Peru and finds it fascinating and humid. Sounds like she is having a time out of mind - fun travlogue/vacation,and i can't wait to hear the details. go girl. live it now and come home in 2 weeks and relive it. thanks to all who read these words and to those who respond as well, feels good, all the "more better" to know you're out there.

Note from PEggy - In closing - gotta love friends and family who visit with help, bring dinner and simply relax and visit. JK and Jack, Robin and Mary, Perry and Lana and the entertainment that comes with them, the kids. Terry, a very "merry" maid who would do windows if we asked. Jim - thanks for going with Marcus for a burger. Carol, so pleasant to sit by the fire and enjoy a drink. Dave Dobbins - seems like you miss the man a lot; keep coming by, and Brandi - hope you're diagraming sentences like crazy since your tutoring session with Marcus. Also loved cookies from Adair and Lisa and the neighbor boys. Hey Beckerlegs, we're enjoying our new aquarium! Love to all of you and please don't feel slighted if we don't mention something you've done for us. We love you all.

love and laughter, Marcus

children

here is an easy post for all including me, my kids have traded places, wes arrived yesterday (thanks alena) intact and ready to help out as #1 loving son. he appreciates 45' weather. and we remember why we left Ia winters. below is the email we just rec'd from our #1 daughter who went far away for fun and relax and recharging her considerable loving capacity. love our children, good luck w/yours!

From: Amanda Fuhrman
Date: Feb 16, 2008

Lima is awesome, it is not nearly as scary as it{s made out to be. I went to the anthropology museum today it was incredible. My hostel is very close to everthing, there are 2 turtles that live here too!! Very humid, about 80 degrees all day. My flights were easy, got here no problem. I will write more soon, just wanted to let you know Im here and Im fine. Hope you are having fun with Wes and that you are all feeling happy and good. Love you all!!!
Mandy


that's that and that's them.
love and laughter, marcus

birthdays and bon voyage

Early, pre dawn on Tuesday. A quiet house. The nights are warming and the fire, attractive as ever, isn't the savior it had been a month ago when night temps hit the teens. Cat is quiet, fire glows without crackling and even the cancer inside seeems quieted. I began a new chemo cocktail last week, has been keeping me tired, fatigued, sedated on the various chairs/couches in the living room. Also started new meds for pain and the drugs are working and that adds more to my overall body weakness but does away with most of my belly pains and aches. Fatique and sleep come as they wish, I might be watching a dvd and doze off, might be in deep conversation with a friend and doze off, might be on the cell, "hello, how's Marcus?" "oh,ok," and zonk, dozing again. Don't be put off if this happens to you, it's just my drugs running my this exterior, conscience life.
What is running my interior life, would be our friends and family and people about town who share time and send gifts, cards and wishes. With the totality of wishes for better health and prayers for intervention for me, I should logically live another 247 years! So, I accept all wishes and prayers even if I doubt I'll be blogging in the year 2255. But hey, that's a lot of sunrises. Sunrises coming up in March include a couple of musical benefits, Patty and friends are thawing out the frozen midwest for a renunion benefit in Cedar Rapids on March 8th I think, and the next weekend Grand Canyon friends are organizing a night of music at the canyon. holy-moly, good golly miss molly, rock n' roll music is a great motive to keep smiling and keep fighting this dumb-dumb disease. Now if only I could get any early contact with Janice, SRV, Jimi and Jim Morrison to show up it'd be historic.
Some people to thank most recently: Sista' Emily visited here dispite snow and other sorrows, and then, while I'm in the tub, Norma shows up "SURPRISE", Dan-oh and Bob-oh catch us in Flag, Laura and Terri and Annne take Pegg-0 for nice dining, away from the sick guy. Mandy employs my talent with her successful redition of "Chapter House Rock" with her school kids theater group, Chas my daily cell phone guy, Wes for coming soon to catch the biggest Feb. striper, just like last month. Jules with unlimited love and caring, first thing in the morning. I loved your images of planting hopes for me in your garden of love/life, friends from town, who bring us food and laughter(Bradshaw's).
And, not forget, Miss Mandy is off to advetureland for her grad. gift = Peru, for unlimited travel and good times, enjoy all the South American sunrises and sunsets for me. I love you. Thankful over and over am I for the positive messages and blog notes back to me. Also, ever grateful for the next sunrise, even an icky-blues-in-the-gut day is a day worth paying attention to, there is beauty within each day.
Coming soon, more dinners from friends (Keislings and Barry family), Jules and Paul travel here late next week, Wesley Tanner will arrive this Friday for fishing and father/son time.
Comming soon, more sunrises, earlier each day with the sun driving northward towards spring and the blooom of desert trees and plants vivid with gold, yellow, ruby, lime green and rose blossoms.
Coming soon, countless moments within me, within us all, when we realize how fortunate we've been to see how much how deeply we care for each other.
Enjoy your moments. I am.
Love and Laughter, Marcus

captions, captain.

Here's help on the photos below: top to next to top, to next to next to...etc. Be sure to read the new blog below the photos.

First we have: Dan da-man and his miracle diet, including crossiants, IPA, tequila, pinot noir, candy bars and herbal tea.

Norma holding Peggy, Peggy holding Gracie, Gracie holding the future. 3 fav women.

Maddox helping me unwrap "our" new bunny blaster. OMG, a gun in Peg's house!

Mandy and I in the sun room, all blue threads and smiles.

Norman performing a quality check on bunny blaster; she's related to annie oakly

Mandy sharing glitter paint with Gracie and Mad-man

Last shot is "sista" Emily, just arrived from Mt. Shasta for a loving visit. thx em.

Now be sure to read the blog below, love and laughter, marcus

lost and found

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I lost my last post, so I know how some of you feel. I'm sure it was the best piece of writing since Hamlet, but my electronic, eclectic editor disagreed and said, "You need to revise, so I deleted it" So revise/rewrite it is. I should start with personal revision, as we are doing yet another chemo change, new meds and new schedule, last week's scans showed other chemo was letting the cancer grow, and that is not ok...we begin new schdule this thur/fri. yee-ha can't wait. kind of. So here's to looking back at what we write, what we do, how we treat each other then and there and there and then. First rule in publishing and life: save, save, save. When you do somethig right, save it, on your hard drive, in your heart.
Tuesday early, cat and I have our fire sparking and crackling in the black wood stove that keeps all of us safely warmed against nature's nigthly chilling dip. This morning, the glass patio door was opened about 6" and the room temp was headed south. "Who had left it open? inside job? prowler at the pane? or a hint to me that soon I exit this warm loving home and by necessity go to darkness and mystery?" I looked outside and saw no prints to follow, no broken limbs to track, no pathway to comfort my directionless feet. Just the door, open, inviitng cool night to flow into our toasty domcile, cruel night inviting mystery. I closed it quickly, no desire to track any mystery. Quickly, I build a hot fire, shoving log after log into the box. The fire helps. No mystery there, just a close watching to maintain its giving warmth and well prepared stacks of chopped woods- kindiling spruce, juniper, pine and oak. It is like the spirit fire inside me, with a seemingly endless supply of friends and family and beauty to keep me glowing, stoked by sincere caring lovers. Both fires comfort me. The outside fire feeds me; my skin, thin over bone, chilled, wrinkled and gooose bumped, gathers the heat and clasps it to bone and thin muscle. The same fire that heats our house, will later today warm our daylight conversations and keep them relaxed and cozy. The fire inside will warm me when pain chills my spirt, when worry fogs my insight, when fear of darknesses mystery shakes my belly and spine. This fire inside clasps me to memory and details of childhood days in bright carefree play with my large family, laughing at dad's funny faces; yelping and sprawling down grey wooden stairs to the beach fronting a serene, blue green tidal pool; pushing and shoving each other to get a toy, a pair of shoes, some attention. The fire inside grabs me by the shoulders of memory and turns me back to motorcyles, collge concerts, Sierra backpacking, unexplored canyons and unreliable cars, when fresh pizza, cold beer and dancing all night defined my world and left no time to worry of search for mystery. As a husband and father the fire inside blazed into a firestorm of pure love and an absolute need to protect our brilliant glowing children full of mystery and endless questions I could, and often did, answer four different ways. "Why is the sky blue, Dad?" "Crayons and giant markers," I'd say, or "it's an overhead ocean, and that's why it rains sometimes because the ocean has little tiny holes in in called stars, and the water leaks out and creates the lakes and oceans we like to fish in." Can you believe it? Wes? Mandy? Peggy? Can anyone believe me? I believe the fire inside answers these mysteries, resolves the quesions for me - who, why, what of mystery, beyond the open door, in the trackless night, through jungled dreams and the pathless future. I want to keep both fires blazing. Thanks to all who keep me supplied with fuel for both. Love, laughter, marcus