Sunday am, on the couch in the hour before sunrise. Looking for a storm today, winter's gift to the desert, southern moisture drawn across ribbed mountains and saline flats, drawn inland to this thirsty crust of sandstone, sage and and blowing sand. My body feels the same need, parched with increasing pain in remote parts seeking the chemo rain, random in my viens, wanting relief to reach this range of danger between feeling well and feeling the incessant cancer creeping. Outside,the desert waits, moonlit and indistinct, inside I sit and wait, and while the desert wears its rabbit printed sand and sends echos of distant coyote calls, I wear some dull needle marks and hear eternity in the the soma silence of waking at two am. somewhere out behind our comfortable loving house-life, snakes sleep and dream of the sudden strike and kill, the snakes dream of the late spring sun, warming their blood with movement and motive. This morning I dreamed I cried with my dead father, telling H.J. how unfair, how mean, how pained I feel with this disease and the death within it. In this morning's dream, he held me while I cried. We cried and I felt I was touching all the hours, days and years of shared joy with his handsome, loving spirit. In time we caught our breath back from the furies of grief, and I felt how he is within me and how I'll be within all I love, I felt the sad clouds of time and loss, clouds that come and go, clouds compressed, clouds dead dark with menance and malvolinece, and I saw both above and below those clouds other worlds alive, vibrant, unending.
I wonder about about my spirit as I wait the coming transitions from night to day, day to night, I wonder if I will stay bright minded and humorous, or will I burden my loving family with fear and pain expressed. I hope not. I hope I remain who i have been on my best days, days of sun warming my blood and melting clouds. I hope. Hope with me. love and laughter, marcus
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
27 comments:
Good Morning to my desert Brother:
Just now up; and after copious amounts of coffee - to my cave to start my day in the (non) reality world of cyberspace. The computer awaiting my arrival - and instinctively I go to your blog and hope for some news from you. And it's there- painful etchings reaching out from the desert to this cold and rainy place I call home.
Yesterday - we laughed - a really good laugh. And it felt really nice to share that with you (and all the other's on the speaker phone). A laugh I can only share with you: A laugh unique to us. And if felt good to head off to bed last night and know I really did share something special with you.
This is what I will remember and carry within me; after you're gone. It is the same fond remembrances I have of HJ. He is within me too; and I can think of him at anytime and bring him back to life for a few moments. And I am happier that he and you are part of my life. Hoping for lessening pain on this rainy Sunday and sending good thoughts to you in the Land of the Lizards.
Chaslizard
I sit quietly in the cold grey of France, close my eyes, see the coyote and the smile on your face.
love you
peter
PS: You and CT sure got the wordsmith gene
Well, I've read your blog words throughout the day and each time it hurts so much all I do is cry which makes it a little too blurry to try to write back to you. But now as my day ends here in rainy AG I will give it another try. What to say to you to help this pain go away, which it won't. When we chat each morning all seems so "normal" that I can put on a smile and head off to work thinking of what you'll be doing with your day as I walk into my classroom. But reading your words makes me too aware of the reality we are all living, the horrid cancer in you. I wear my necklace of "believe, faith and forever" to try to ward off anything other than the hope that we'll have more time together, more talks together, more of it all. So, we'll just do it knowing nothing is forever but love and memories and we've got those for sure. I love you, Marcus. Breathe in all that love from across the miles. Maybe it will help ease the pains of your heart and body.
Julie
Mom is currently in the class I'm subbing in, giving a lesson to the eager eyes of 19 3rd graders. They look up at her, excited and interested, ready for the unknown, ready to figure it all out. I remember when it used to be that easy, when stress was nothing more than getting the answers right and getting along with your friends. But then again, their brains aren't fully formed yet, are they?
I suppose I'll hold on to my fully formed brain and hope that it can help me out with the yet unknown. You already know what's in my brain and in my heart; they are half yours.
My young middle-schoolers and I are studying the carbon footprints we are leaving in our wake, and it hit me yesterday that what you are leaving us all is a wonderful Furhman Footprint...something we are blessed to fall into or under or at least peer over the edge of...each day when I read (or re-read when there is not a new message from you) your posts and those of all of us "commenters", it is such a pleasure to see and know the impact you have on so many. My hopes are strong that you will continue to march and amble and dance about leaving ever more prints. Love and much hope sent your way.
sounds like things are hard on battle mountain... I wish you reliable distractions when you need them. Goddamn it hurts. Or synonomously, it smarts. I thing that's the way life goes, anyway. Patterns emerge, though no one really questions why time only moves in one direction. I've always thought that the universe must boil down to something incredibly simple, like "2." I can't do this well with one way words, but I love and miss you. Enough! Call me back!
Not only do I hope - - I know. There was never any doubt in my mind that a plague such as this would affect me, in some way or another. I just remember the day you told our class. Such silence; such contemplative swallowing of words, like the few times before when we’d brought up a similar dim topic and spent the class period in awkwardness. I had already known about it because I'd noticed whispers and sideways glances - - not one of them directed towards me except for the one from Mr. Lomeland, who kindly pulled my collapsing self aside one day after class. Shaking and hatred, fluorescent lights in my eyes as for once in my life, I looked up (“What’s up Mel?” “The ceiling?” “Ack, you’re so boring!”) and pondered the existence of something other than what I could see (I won’t forget, though, that we’re all made of stars ;] ). And it’s bothered me since that day... It’s bothered me because it’s out of my control, and now, it’s out of all of our control. I think back to the day we had a substitute, and he forced a little activity upon us where we discovered that the most significant and evident fear humans have is of the unknown. I hate the unknown, the shadows lurking in the dark, the predators around the next corner - - but what I feel should go beyond hoping. It’s a firm belief (and you know how hard-headed I am), and one that I think you should take to heart, that it’s difficult for people to change, as it will be for you to stop being the amazing person I’ve known these past couple of years. You made us feel alive with your laughter. Every single one of us. And I know that the ability to be optimistic and able to laugh will follow us every moment of the way when we need a little more light in the dim hallways of life. Don’t let that laughter slip away. It’s a magnificent thing, and one that I now hold on to dearly. Let it live.
~ Mello
Good morning, Marcus,
Every time I read your words, I come away feeling so lucky to know you, so sorry we hadn't met sooner. Each of you: Peggy, Amanda, Julie, Wesley, Alena and all the others who love you so.
I send much love and know that all of you is your "best self." You have no other, Marcus. I know that.
Sharon
my heart is heavy...I haven't the words...with much love...sue
Hi Marcus,
Just want you to know I'm hoping with you. See you soon.
Love and laughter back,
TT
PS You will ALWAYS remain who you have been on your best days.
Friday night while sleeping I met you in a room off a kitchen in a house unknown to me. You held me in your arms and told me that there was a sickness inside of you that you just couldn't shake off. I wept in your arms and you held me in your patience and your love. I was suprised to awaken and shaken to find that our time together was a dream.
Our time together, a dream
I will always love you Mark, Alec
It's evening here in Vegas as I read your blog and all the comments. I am so glad to have shared a laugh and a joke with you the other day on my way to tutoring. It always makes me feel close to you and you always manage to make me laugh.You will always be that way. I feel that your spirit will continue to be bright and humerous, as you are indeed my hero.I feel like driving over for a weekend and giving you a big hug. I am so glad to have you for my friend. Love, Normie
Hi Marcus and Peg
Hope to see you soon. Marcus are we going to get a game going when you are in town? Cash only no pink slips.
Stay in the moment buddy.
Dave
Dear Marcus:
Miss being down there with you. Are you up to another visit? We could go over to the bridge, hang over the rail and talk about everything, except the fact that it's all so screwed. Remember, it's not that life's too short, just that you're dead so long. I love you brother. Harry
Mr. Marcus
I leave you some good cheer and spirit from the cold but very friendly little town called Webster City. You do recall this mega city don't you? It seems like only yesterday you and your family living back here in the house on Willson Ave. I just wanted to send a quick message to say hi to and your family. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as my father too is going through stages of cancer. Keep your positive smile and attitude during this difficult time.
Scott Erickson
Mr. Marcus
I leave you some good cheer and spirit from the cold but very friendly little town called Webster City. You do recall this mega city don't you? It seems like only yesterday you and your family living back here in the house on Willson Ave. I just wanted to send a quick message to say hi to and your family. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as my father too is going through stages of cancer. Keep your positive smile and attitude during this difficult time.
Scott Erickson
Hey Bro:
So off to the Land of the Labs, you go
To return to the Land of the Lizards - tomorrow
Your pink palace and Buckwheat await your return -
We will talk then
Ride Safe
Chas
Hey Bro:
So off to the Land of the Labs, you go
To return to the Land of the Lizards - tomorrow
Your pink palace and Buckwheat await your return -
We will talk then
Ride Safe
Chas
Hey Bro:
So off to the Land of the Labs, you go
To return to the Land of the Lizards - tomorrow
Your pink palace and Buckwheat await your return -
We will talk then
Ride Safe
Chas
Marcus, Peggy and Mandy, we realized that we had been intending on sending a 'thank you' for some time for the wonderful Thanksgiving celebration, and somehow just never did. So here's a thank you for that, we were so happy to see you all and meet relatives and friends and enjoy your wonderful home in such a beautiful place. We think of you often and hope to make it out to the southwest again soon.
Love, Alison and Bill
I love you, Marcus, and these miles between us hurt badly. Simple words but honest. I've booked a date for the fund raiser, with Black Sheep and Waubeek Trackers performing, a silent auction. It'll be at United Faith Methodist Church in Cedar Rapids. March 8, Saturday afternoon.
More later,white light.
love
Patty
Marcus, bro in law,
It snowed here, probably 4 or 5 inches, dry white stuff. Snow, the Great Equalizer, where everyone's yard looks beautiful. If you were here, you'd want to play in it. I always was the demented Ankrum; I love snow in winter. I feel really sad and so far away, but I've been reading this blog, and filled with awe of how wide and deep everyone's love for you is. It's pretty amazing, isn't it?
Talk to you lateh, and if you can't come in March for the fundraiser, I'm coming south.
Love!
Patty
Hay Marcus we are all waiting for the next installment of "As Bad Water turns."
Life is like a box of chocolate.
Hello Fuhrmans,
The snow is piling up once again here at Grand Canyon. I've been out in it most of the day, enjoying the "difference". So different is this winter from those in recent past with all this cold white stuff....thinking I haven't made a snowman in a long time--maybe today. And if I can figure out how to make fingers on a snowman, I'll cross them in hopes of 2 things; that this coming weekend's new "cocktail" will once and for all obliterate the bad stuff within and perhaps for yet another "Snow-Day Monday" (which, of course, all of the "little school-children" and a few of the "large school-teachers" so anxiously await).
Off to make fresh snow into a fresh new man of snow with somehow-fingers...somehow-crossed...in honor of my friend who I want so badly to be well.
Love and laughter (and some tears) back at you again, Marcus-Man.
TT
I'm struck by the use of the word chemo when I read about your treatment. Odd, isn't it, that other diseases use medication but cancer uses chemo?
"I have a headache. I need some chemo." Nope - senseless really.
Hope you caught some of the Super Bowl yesterday. Easily one of the best games I've ever seen. Tom Brady is still asking himself, "what happened out there? How can we be an undefeated team when I was knocked down and hustled so many times in just one game?"
Anna reported that driver's ed. is stupid. "Dad, I've got 105% in the class and I really don't see what makes any of this hard!"
The local DMV is remodeling or she would have had her permit by now. Her mother is promising a trip to Flagstaff for her to take the test (a thinly veiled shopping escape for mother and daughter). I think Anna will be a good driver as long as she remembers that it's NOT about her.
Write when you can and know you are loved.
Anna Atkinson's dad - Mike - School Psych.
Marcus,
Wish I knew what to say, although as anyone who knows me can attest, I always have something to say. Whether it is appropriate or not remains to be seen.
I heard about your cancer struggle through the normal channels here in smalltown Iowa; at the grocery store, where all the news is shared at one point or another, good, bad, and entirely made up out of thin air. I found myself wishing the news of you was of the latter variety.
My first response was ~@#$%~^!!@#!!, which is always my response when things happen that I don’t like, don’t accept and can’t do anything about. I thought to myself, why does this happen to a gentleman as nice and decent as yourself, when there is many a soul wandering about living to a ripe old age that the world could clearly live without?
Nobody guaranteed life would be fair, saith the Master of the Obvious, but this situation seems so profoundly unfair, I just want to pound something! Now if there was something that needed pounding, welding, machining, or just a general cursing, well that’s something I can do. I will talk to God about this forthwith as it really pisses me off and is not acceptable.
I will also send whatever prayers I know, which aren’t many, are Catholic in nature, and haven’t been used much, your way.
I have some very pleasant memories of you and Peggy and your children and the hospitality you showed me in Webster City from time to time, many years ago. What struck me then was your easygoing nature and how accepting and nurturing you were around your then-young children; a skill I never developed as my own two kids can testify, but always wish I had.
I’ll drop in and lurk around your blog from time to time if you aren’t too fussy about who participates here.
Take care,
Kevin Woods
So, back to that "laughter is good medicine" idea...
We were cruising around tonight looking for something to watch and happened upon the Project White House live debates. Local dark horse candidates with you-tube type questions...one candidate is Doctress Neutopia. I have not laughed so much since Spamalot!
Well, not all bad ideas, I must admit... At any rate, if you missed the live debates, you can catch up on their website: http://projectwhitehouse.wordpress.com/
And if you are doing a mail-in ballot like we do, then you have seen these names already!
Love ya--and thinking about you all alway. Keep looking for the laughter!
C
Post a Comment